Thanksgiving & Thanks Taking?

Its almost here… Thanksgiving.

Now I am half Canadian and half American.

And, while we do have our own version of Thanksgiving up north, its nothing quite like how it’s done here in the USA.

Big birds, football, family. It can be an amazing time.

So with the obvious theme around being thankful, I didn’t want to use an overdone cliche for his week’s newsletter…

“10 Ways to be More Thankful” 🤢

“13 Lessons we can Learn from the Origins of Thanksgiving” 🙄

I mean, if you want to read one of those you can go to marthastewart.com

Maybe she can show you how to use stuffing to learn valuable life lessons.

Not going to her site?

I thought so.

Well since you are still here, let’s learn about something different…

Why do we hate praise?

Thats right, I asked it.

Why do we hate praise?

You are probably in one of two boats right now…

🚢 1 - “Brian, I love praise! I wish I got more of it.”

⛴️ 2 - “Yep, you nailed it. I hate when people compliment me. I never know how to handle it.”

I am mostly in boat 2 myself. I want to to achieve, but I do not like the praise at the end. But why?

The psychology surrounding the difficulty in accepting compliments and praise is often rooted in self-perception and cultural or individual beliefs about humility and self-efficacy. Many cultures look down upon self aggrandizement and establish that mindset in their people at very young ages.

But let’s set that aside for now and make this all about you!

The intrapersonal components are much more interesting. And more importantly, are the areas that are in your CONTROL!

Is it a Self Esteem thing?

One aspect is self-esteem, or reflecting your overall subjective emotional evaluation of your own worth.

If you have low self-esteem, you may feel undeserving of positive recognition or assistance. This in turn leads to the exact discomfort in these situations that we are talking about.

On the flip side, excessively high self-esteem can sometimes result in arrogance. And by sometimes, I mean like all the time. Trust me 😉. This leads to moments where compliments are expected or assistance is declined due to overconfidence.

So, it sure seems like self-esteem has a lot to do with accepting praise. It is still a bit complex and varies based on individual self-perceptions and underlying psychological factors.

Fighting off some Imposter Syndrome perhaps?

Another factor is the phenomenon known as "Impostor Syndrome," where you are unable to internalize your own accomplishments and fear being exposed as a fraud. This can make accepting compliments challenging because you don't feel you truly deserve them.

YOU ARE NOT A FRAUD!

There, I said it. Just in case you had doubts.

But in those moments when you are experiencing imposter syndrome, you will often attribute your success to external factors. It is true that we cannot always claim that we are solely responsible for the totality of our own success. But, you did have to do a lot of work to get yourself into a position to have success.

It’s kind of wild, right?

This imposter syndrome mindset leads to a reluctance in accepting compliments, as you may feel those accolades are undeserved or misrepresent your abilities.

Shockingly, imposter syndrome can be particularly prevalent in high-achieving individuals. Who, despite evident success, continue to feel inadequate or fraudulent in their roles.

I gotta be honest, I still have a lot of imposter syndrome regarding this newsletter.

But, I know that all of you are reading every word of it! Right? Right?

Attributional Style?! What does that even mean?

Now let’s dig into the fun stuff!

Often times the issue of being uncomfortable with praise can be related to your Attributional Style, which is how you will internally explain the causes of events and behaviors.

Do you have a tendency to attribute successes to external factors? Could that be why you find it difficult to accept compliments which are directed at your personal abilities or efforts?

This is where are going to dive deep today…

Recognizing our own Attributional Styles

As I said above, attributional style refers to how you internally explain the causes of events and behaviors. Specifically, your own.

It's a significant concept in social psychology and is shaped by various factors, including personality, upbringing, cultural background, and life experiences.

It’s okay. I know what you are thinking…

“How do I know what mine are though?”

Start by identifying your Locus of Control

Locus of Control is whether you attribute events to internal factors (like your own effort or ability) or external factors (such as luck or the actions of others). Those with an internal locus of control believe they can influence events and their outcomes, while those with an external locus of control feel that external forces predominantly shape outcomes.

Story Time…

Let me tell you a story about Alex and Jordan (names not changed as neither are innocent)…

Alex and Jordan are faced with the task of baking a cake for a friend's surprise party. Something that neither has any experience in.

I mean, other than watching every episode of The Great British Bake Off of course.

Alex

Alex, believing in their ability to control outcomes, approaches the task with confidence. But during the mixing of the batter Alex has a problem. “Oh no! That is salt not sugar!”

Alex chuckles at the mishap and quickly finds a better Youtube video. One that calls out that salt doesn’t belong in cake bater, and starts over. They are confident in their ability to correct the error. Despite the initial setback, Alex remains optimistic and attributes the mistake to a simple oversight and not to any inherent inability to bake. Remember, they have seen literally every episode and can hear Paul Hollywood in the the back of their head, coaching them to success.

Their cake might not win any awards this this episode, but it's edible and decent-looking. Alex proudly presents it at the party, joking about the 'salted caramel' adventure.

Jordan

Jordan, on the other hand, feels at the mercy of external forces. When they accidentally use yeast instead of baking powder, the result is a cake that overflows the pan like a high school volcano experiment.

Jordan laughs it off as 'typical' luck. But rather than attempt to fix the situation, Jordan decides to bail on the baking and buy a cake from the store. As they leave the store with their plastic container of baked angel’s food and corn syrup icing, they are joking that, “the universe clearly didn't intend for me to be a baker.”

At the party, Jordan presents the store-bought cake with a humorous story about their 'kitchen disaster', attributing the outcome to fate rather than their own baking skills.

Conclusion

Both Alex & Jordan approached the situation with humor, which is always the best policy of you ask me.

But there are stark contrasts.

Alex saw the challenge as something within their control to overcome.

Jordan viewed it as a whimsical twist of fate, reinforcing their belief in external factors shaping their experiences.

Alex = Internal Locus of Control

Jordan = External Locus of Control

Okay, so how do we use all this to get better at accepting praise?

Imagine you've just finished a big project at work. You've poured your heart and soul into it, staying late and tweaking every detail.

Finally… it's done! And it's good.

Then at the next team meeting, your boss publicly praises your effort.

"Excellent work!" they say.

But instead of feeling proud, you're squirming in your seat, deflecting the compliment with a joke or a quick, "It was nothing."

Sound familiar?

Many of us struggle to accept praise when we have an external locus of control.

We might believe our success is due to external factors ("I just got lucky") rather than our own skills and effort. This can make accepting praise feel like accepting a lie.

Here's how we can start shifting that mindset:

1. Acknowledge Your Effort – Reflect on the hard work you put into your achievements. Recognize your effort and skill as key factors in your success.

2. Practice Accepting Praise – Next time someone compliments you, resist the urge to deflect. Instead, try a simple, "Thank you, I really worked hard on that."

3. Mind Your Inner Monologue – Pay attention to how you internally respond to praise. Are you discrediting yourself? Challenge these thoughts by affirming your capabilities and contributions.

4. Share the Credit Wisely – If a project was a team effort, it's okay to acknowledge this. But remember, being part of a team doesn't negate your individual contribution.

5. Seek Feedback – Regularly ask for constructive feedback. This helps balance your perspective and reinforces the idea that praise is not unfounded, but a response to real, measurable achievements.

Remember, accepting praise is not arrogance; it's an acknowledgment of your hard work and abilities. By shifting our locus of control internally, we can start to embrace the compliments we rightfully earn.

• The Harvard Business Review has a bunch of great reads on this topic (Link)

• On the flipside… (Link)